Every so often I go back and read some of the funny email I’ve received over the year. Here is a golden oldie:
Humorous Church Bulletin Entries
1. Don’t let worry kill you – let the church help.
2. Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
17. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
18. During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.
21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
23. The Associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday – “I upped my pledge – up yours!”
24. A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God’s mantle…”Let’s God Mangle Fall on Me.”
25. Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
26. The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.
27. A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.
28. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
29. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
30. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
31. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
32. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.
33. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
34. Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
35. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
36. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
37. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
38. Evening massage — 6 p.m.
39. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
40. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
41. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
42. Ushers will eat latecomers.
43. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
44. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
45. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, ‘The Lord Knows Why.’
46. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
47. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary.
48. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.
49. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.